3 minute read
From parent and child to two adults
The relationship between parents and grown-up children has to be renegotiated. Advice by invitation is the hinge.
The family life cycle asks parents and adult children to move from hierarchy towards something closer to peers. Unfinished renegotiation shows up as intrusive advice on one side and feeling treated like a child on the other.
Advice offered without invitation reads as "I don’t trust your judgement", even when it is meant as love.
Money and help can carry strings. Naming the strings is kinder than pretending there are none.
"Do you want ideas, or do you want me to listen?" is the single most useful sentence in this stage. The answer must be respected.
Ask before advising, once. Then do what they asked for.
Where this comes from: Carter & McGoldrick, The Expanded Family Life Cycle; Coleman, Rules of Estrangement.
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