Glossary
The words the coach uses, in plain English
Twenty-four terms from the research, each linked to the two-minute guide that explains it properly.
- Bid for connection
- Any small attempt to get a partner’s attention or support — a sigh, a question, a touch. Turning towards bids is the strongest predictor of a relationship that lasts in the Gottman research. Read the guide.
- Flooding
- Physiological overwhelm during conflict, typically above about 100 beats a minute, when listening and empathy shut down. The remedy is a break of at least twenty minutes spent actually calming down. Read the guide.
- The four horsemen
- Criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling — four communication habits that predict relationship breakdown, each with a learnable antidote. Read the guide.
- Gentle start-up
- Raising a complaint by stating what you feel, about what, and what you need, without blame. The first three minutes predict the rest of the conversation. Read the guide.
- Perpetual problem
- A recurring disagreement rooted in personality or needs differences. About 69% of couple problems are perpetual; they are managed with dialogue, not solved. Read the guide.
- Gridlock
- A perpetual problem that has stopped moving: the same argument in the same words, nobody yielding, both feeling rejected. Softens when the dream inside each position is understood. Read the guide.
- Repair attempt
- Anything that stops an argument escalating — humour, a touch, “can we start again?” Whether it lands depends on the friendship underneath. Read the guide.
- Pursue–withdraw cycle
- The commonest distress pattern: one partner reaches, harder as they feel unheard; the other goes quiet to keep the peace, which fuels the reaching. Named in Emotionally Focused Therapy. Read the guide.
- Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)
- An attachment-based couple therapy developed by Sue Johnson that de-escalates the negative cycle, restructures how partners reach for each other, and consolidates new patterns. Among the best-evidenced couple therapies. Read the guide.
- Integrative Behavioural Couple Therapy (IBCT)
- A couple therapy combining acceptance strategies with behaviour change, using a DEEP analysis of differences, emotional sensitivities, external stressors and patterns. The basis of the OurRelationship programme.
- Attachment style
- A person’s characteristic way of protecting a bond: anxious (reaching for reassurance), avoidant (reaching for room), or secure. Styles are strategies, not flaws, and can change with responsive relationships. Read the guide.
- Mental load
- The invisible management layer of a household: noticing, planning and remembering. Usually held disproportionately by one person. Read the guide.
- Responsive desire
- Desire that appears once something pleasant is already happening, rather than spontaneously. Common, normal, and central to understanding desire discrepancy. Read the guide.
- Dual control model
- Emily Nagoski’s model of desire as a balance of accelerators and brakes. Stress, resentment and pressure are brakes; feeling appreciated and unhurried are accelerators. Read the guide.
- Money scripts
- Unconscious beliefs about money learned in childhood — avoidance, worship, status, vigilance — that drive most couple money conflict. Read the guide.
- Triangle (family systems)
- When tension between two people pulls in a third who carries, softens or takes sides. Detriangling means taking the issue directly to the person concerned. Read the guide.
- Differentiation
- Murray Bowen’s term for staying connected to family while keeping your own thinking and choices — reacting less to family anxiety without cutting off. Read the guide.
- Family life cycle
- The stages a family moves through — leaving home, joining, young children, adolescents, launching, later life — each requiring roles and hierarchy to be renegotiated. Read the guide.
- Estrangement
- A breakdown of contact between family members. Research suggests around one in five UK families is affected. Reconciliation works best without re-litigating the past. Read the guide.
- Speaker–Listener technique
- A structured conversation from the PREP programme: one person holds the floor, the other paraphrases before replying, then they swap. Problem-solving comes only after both have been heard. Read the guide.
- Couples Satisfaction Index (CSI-4)
- A validated four-item measure of relationship satisfaction (Funk & Rogge, 2007), scored 0–22; below 13.5 indicates distress. Sameside uses it at the start, weekly and at the checkup.
- Formulation
- A clinician’s working understanding of a case: presenting concerns, the pattern between people, strengths, what maintains the problem, goals and phases. Sameside writes one for every circle and lets each person correct it.
- Rituals of connection
- Predictable, valued moments — partings, reunions, meals, a weekly walk — that make a relationship visible under logistics. Read the guide.
- Atone, attune, attach
- The Gottmans’ three phases of recovery after betrayal: full honesty and remorse, rebuilding emotional connection, then new intimacy — in that order. Read the guide.
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