2 minute read
Five to one
Stable couples keep about five positive moments for every negative one, even during conflict. Specific appreciation is how you bank them.
The Gottman ratio: during conflict, stable couples showed roughly five positive interactions for every negative one. In everyday life the ratio is far higher. Distressed couples hover near one to one.
You cannot fake positivity in a fight. You can build the reserve beforehand. Specific appreciation is the cheapest deposit there is: "thanks for sorting the bins before I asked" lands; "thanks for everything" slides off.
Contempt cannot survive in a culture of appreciation. That is the whole strategy.
One specific thank-you, out loud, for something small they did today.
Where this comes from: Gottman & Levenson, longitudinal studies of marital interaction.
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