2 minute read
Most of your arguments will never be solved. That’s normal.
About 69% of couple problems are perpetual: differences in personality and needs. The aim is dialogue, not resolution.
The Gottmans found that roughly two-thirds of the problems couples bring to therapy are perpetual. Tidy versus relaxed. Spend versus save. Talk it out now versus sleep on it. These do not get solved. They get managed, or they become gridlock.
Gridlock is when the same problem comes up in the same words, nobody moves, and both feel rejected. Underneath a gridlocked position there is usually a dream: something the position protects, often from long ago.
The way through is not compromise first. It is understanding first: what does this position mean to you? What would it cost you to give it up?
When both dreams are understood, the flexible parts of the problem become visible, and the inflexible core gets respected instead of attacked.
Name one argument you have had more than five times. Ask each other what it protects.
Where this comes from: Gottman, The Seven Principles; "dreams within conflict" intervention.
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