3 minute read
It’s not you versus me. It’s us versus the pattern.
One reaches, one retreats, and each move makes the other more likely. Naming the cycle is the first step out of it.
Emotionally Focused Therapy describes distress as a loop. One person feels distance and reaches, sometimes sharply. The other feels criticised and goes quiet to keep the peace. The quiet reads as not caring, so the reaching gets sharper. Round and round.
Both moves make sense. Reaching is a protest that says "do I matter to you?" Retreating is a protection that says "I can’t get this right, so I’ll do less harm by saying nothing". Neither person is the villain. The cycle is.
Couples who recover learn to see the loop start, name it out loud, and say the softer thing underneath the anger or the silence: "I was scared you were done with me." "I went quiet because I didn’t want to make it worse."
Name your cycle. Give it a word you can both say without blame. Then, when it shows up, say the word.
Each of you finish this sentence: "When it starts, my move is to…". Then swap. No fixing.
Where this comes from: Johnson, Hold Me Tight; EFT outcome research.
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