3 minute read
When one of you is wired differently
ADHD and autism change how attention, memory and communication work. The fix is systems and explicit expectations, not nagging.
With ADHD in a relationship, a parent–child dynamic can creep in: one person reminding, the other feeling managed. Melissa Orlov’s work suggests externalising the systems (shared lists, alarms, one place for the plan) so nobody has to be the reminder.
Autistic and non-autistic partners often misread each other in both directions: the double-empathy problem. Implicit expectations ("you should have known") are the main casualty. Make them explicit and the friction drops.
Neither person is broken. The relationship needs a design, not a diagnosis.
Choose one recurring friction and design a system for it that does not depend on anyone remembering.
Where this comes from: Orlov, The ADHD Effect on Marriage; Milton, the double-empathy problem.
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